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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532238">all the very best of us string ourselves up for love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ne0nbible/pseuds/ne0nbible'>ne0nbible</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Euphoria (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:49:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532238</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ne0nbible/pseuds/ne0nbible</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jules was another drug for Rue. A fast addiction. She can wrap her head around that. She can move on from that. It doesn’t make the urge to use disappear, but it doesn’t make it worse anymore. </p>
<p>Now, she just wishes she could get Lexi to talk to her again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rue Bennett/Lexi Howard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>207</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all the very best of us string ourselves up for love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've written for other fandoms in the past but this is the first thing I've finished in a couple of years. I'm rusty and I didn't have a beta reader. Be gentle.</p>
<p>I welcome all feedback. If you want to give me notes or just talk about Rue &amp; Lexi hit me up at ne0nbible.tumblr.com.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rue wakes up in a hospital room, again, and she knows exactly what’s about to happen. Her mom will switch between being quiet and concerned, then frustrated and mad. Gia will avoid eye contact but will try to be supportive. The doctors will lecture her, one at a time. And when she’s stable enough to leave, she will be driven directly to a new, stricter rehab facility.</p>
<p>Asking about what happened isn’t necessary because it all comes rushing back to her in one horrible memory. Winter formal. Jules. Nate. Jules. Train. The extra pills stashed in her nightstand. Fade to black.</p>
<p>This is normally the part where Rue gets angry. She yells. She throws things. Tries to run away. Refuses to go. But honestly, Jules is gone. She doesn’t care about anything at this point. She doesn’t even care enough to fight it.</p>
<p>Rehab part two, meet Rue.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>They stop at the house to pack Rue’s clothes, which means Rue watches as her mother decides what she gets to take with her and checks the pockets of every single item. Taking a chance, she asks if she can check her phone. Her mom nods, briefly hovering over Rue’s shoulder as she flips through the apps. Nothing from Jules. Not one message. Not one SnapChat. Not one DM.</p>
<p>“You should say something to Lexi,” her mom says quietly, turning back to continue packing.</p>
<p>“What? Why?” Rue frowns. All she can think is <em>Jules, Jules, Jules.</em></p>
<p>Gia looks up cautiously from her position on the couch.</p>
<p>Rue hears her mother sigh, “She was the one who found you this time.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It’s not that Rue doesn’t feel bad <em>at all</em>. Really, she gets it. She hurts the people around her when they have to find her unconscious and barely breathing. The guilt over Gia finding her last time lingers and probably always will. But Rue is hurting right now too and no one seems to care. The love of her life just up and left her, without a single regretful text. So, sorry, but Rue isn’t as concerned about Lexi right now as she probably should be.</p>
<p>Besides, it’s just Lexi. She’s probably fine. She’s used to it.</p>
<p>She tries to text her a few times, but all go unanswered. Her phone gets taken away again.</p>
<p>“S<em>orry for the drama. I’m fine now.”</em></p>
<p>
  <em>“Heading to rehab.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Have you heard from Jules?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“How did you even get in my room?”</em>
</p>
<p>Rue’s mom parks in front of the Howard house on the way to the new facility.</p>
<p>“Go on. Apologize.”</p>
<p>Rue sighs, exiting the car and shuffling towards the front door. Might as well make this quick. She knocks on the door twice before it swings open. It’s Cassie.</p>
<p>“Rue..” the girl greets hesitantly. Rue gets it. People get so awkward after you OD.</p>
<p>“Hey Cass. I’m fine. Look, they’re waiting,” Rue motions to the car, “Can I talk to Lexi quick?”</p>
<p>As Rue moves to head inside, upstairs to where Lexi is inevitably sitting on her bed reading, Cassie moves to block her path.</p>
<p>“Um, she’s actually not here right now.”</p>
<p>Rue laughs, “What? That’s a joke right?”</p>
<p>Cassie frowns, “No. It’s not.”</p>
<p>Rue honestly can’t remember a time when she’s knocked on the door in front of her and Lexi hasn’t been home. But, whatever.</p>
<p>“Okay. Uh, well, she didn’t answer my texts so just tell her I stopped by and said sorry? I probably won’t have my phone back for awhile.”</p>
<p>Cassie sighs, “Okay. That’s all you want to say to her?”</p>
<p>Rue squints, “Uh, yeah?”</p>
<p>The other girl just nods slowly, causing Rue to attempt a swift exit. She barely turns around before the blonde speaks again.</p>
<p>“The last time this happened she was a mess. Did you know that? She didn’t even know you were gone until Gia ran into her like, days later.”</p>
<p>Rue turns back around, “I, uh, no, I didn’t know.”</p>
<p>Cassie takes a step outside, closing the door behind her, and Rue almost feels intimidated.</p>
<p>“Look. I <em>think</em> that somewhere, deep down, you actually do care about my sister. And I know that you are going through some serious shit right now. But all Lexi has ever done for her entire life is be there for you,” the girl starts.</p>
<p>Rue feels something that resembles a pit in her stomach.</p>
<p>Cassie keeps going, “Having to find you this time…I think it broke her. She cried for days. You’re lucky she went to your house that night.”</p>
<p>Something goes off in Rue’s brain. An unanswered question. She knows it shouldn’t be the focus right now, but she can’t stop what comes out of her mouth fast enough.</p>
<p>“Hey, why did she come over? I didn’t call her that night.”</p>
<p>It’s quiet for a moment.</p>
<p>“Are you serious?” Cassie spits out, “That’s what you care about right now? Honestly Rue, I hope you get better this time. But until then, just leave Lexi alone. She doesn’t deserve this.”</p>
<p>Rue can barely mumble, “Sorry,” before the front door is slammed shut again.</p>
<p>Great. Whatever. Just adds to her already shitty day.</p>
<p>She swears she sees movement in Lexi’s window as they drive away, but that would mean Cassie lied about her being home.</p>
<p>And that just wouldn’t make any sense.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Rue’s last rehab facility felt like summer camp compared to this one. It’s hardcore. Talking to the therapists daily is required and sessions are much longer. There are less privileges. Rue’s only heard from her mom and Gia a few times. Part of the process, apparently. No one else is on her approved contact list.</p>
<p>This time its 90 days. It feels like eternity.</p>
<p>Rue has never been a fan of therapy, but for some reason, it seems to be helping.</p>
<p>A little bit.</p>
<p>Maybe.</p>
<p>(It is.)</p>
<p>Jules was another drug for her. A fast addiction. She can wrap her head around that. She can move on from that. It doesn’t make the urge to use disappear, but it doesn’t make it worse anymore.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Rue’s stuff is packed once again. Her mom and Gia are waiting in the lobby as she finishes her final session. Apparently, everyone has to meet with one of the therapists one last time before they leave. Rue ends up sitting down with Dr. George, an old guy who looks like he is pushing seventy.</p>
<p>“How do you feel about going home? Any anxiety about going back to school?”</p>
<p>Rue shrugs, “Okay, I guess. I mean, I’ve done it before. I’m not super anxious.”</p>
<p>Dr. George nods, “Anything you want to discuss before you leave?”</p>
<p>Rue’s not usually one to volunteer unnecessary information but something has been eating at her lately.</p>
<p>“Well, um, actually. I don’t really know what do about one of my friends. Lexi. She, uh, found me this time.”</p>
<p>“Did you have a chance to speak with her before you came here?”</p>
<p>“No. I tried but… I went to her house and her sister answered. She basically just told me to leave Lexi alone. That I’ve put her through enough.”</p>
<p>“How did that make you feel?” Dr. George responds.</p>
<p>Typical therapist.</p>
<p>“I mean, at the time I thought it was a little dramatic. But I’ve been thinking about it and Cassie wasn’t exactly wrong. I’ve been an asshole, so I feel like an asshole.”</p>
<p>Rue means it too. The more she thinks about her relationship with Lexi, she realizes the past few years have been filled with more bad memories than good. Why would anyone stick around for as long as she had?</p>
<p>“Do you want to make things right with Lexi?” the older man says as he jots down a few notes.</p>
<p>There’s a weird feeling washing over her. It’s part nostalgia, but with something else mixed in. She can’t put her finger on it.</p>
<p>“Yeah. More than anything.”</p>
<p>Dr. George smiles, “Then all you can do is be honest and genuine. Apologize. Let your actions match your words. That is all you can control now. You can’t control how she chooses to react. You can’t control if she wants to cut you out of her life. You can only control yourself.”</p>
<p>It’s not the instant solution Rue was hoping for but it’s something.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Walking into school is different this time. Rue hasn’t taken anything and she doesn’t have Jules by her side. She doesn’t have anyone by her side. She’s alone.</p>
<p>She’s tired too. She spent all night trying to come up with something to text Lexi, but nothing sounded good enough. She doubts seeing her in person will go any better, but its inevitable. The school is only so big.</p>
<p>After spending way too much time trying to remember her locker combination, Rue gives up and heads towards her first class. The universe must really hate her because halfway down the hall, she see’s Lexi. She’s at her locker and for the first time in a long time, it hits Rue that Lexi’s like, really pretty.</p>
<p>
  <em>Why is that the first thing that pops into her head?</em>
</p>
<p>“What the fuck,” she mumbles to herself.</p>
<p>Now or never.</p>
<p>A few strides and Rue is right next to her.</p>
<p>“Uh, hey Lex.”</p>
<p>She can see the other girl’s shoulders tense up the second she speaks. The pit in her stomach is back.</p>
<p>
  <em>What is up with her lately? It’s just Lexi.</em>
</p>
<p>Lexi barely glances over for more than a second before staring back at her locker.</p>
<p>“Hi.”</p>
<p>Rue laughs awkwardly and tries to lighten the mood, “That’s all I get?”</p>
<p>The shorter girl slams her locker so hard Rue is sure the entire hallway must be staring at them right now.</p>
<p>“Yep,” Lexi mutters before walking away.</p>
<p>Okay. The rest of the year is going to suck.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Rue gets the silent treatment for weeks. In the few classes she has with Lexi, the other girl sits on the opposite side of the room and never even glances in her direction. She’s mysteriously never in the hallway at the same time as Rue and often absent from the lunchroom now.</p>
<p>Rue tried to text her the first few days before she finally stopped.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m really sorry about everything. Like. Really sorry.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I wasn’t trying to drag you into my mess.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Are you home? Can we talk?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Are you just going to ignore me for the rest of your life?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Lexi, seriously, I’m so fucking sorry. I know I can’t really make it up to you, but I want to.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Please just say something?”</em>
</p>
<p>Desperation isn’t a great look.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>At least Maddy and Kat welcome her back with open arms. Cassie will say hi, but that’s it. She gets it.</p>
<p>The urge to use again is unbearable some days. She’s lost anyone who ever meant anything to her, so why does it even matter?</p>
<p>Ironically, Lexi not talking to her is somehow the one consequence that haunts her enough to tell herself its not worth it. She needs to get her shit together this time.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It’s already May, which means the school year is winding down. Rue isn’t quite sure how she has been able to catch up on her work, but she isn’t getting held back. Maybe they just feel bad for her. Either way, she’ll take it.</p>
<p>She’s sitting outside with Kat and Maddy after school when Kat asks her.</p>
<p>“Are you going to Prom?”</p>
<p>“Uh, no,” Rue offers with a grimace, “I assume you and Ethan are going?”</p>
<p>Kat nods.</p>
<p>“I’m going solo too, you should just come with,” Maddy offers, “No boy at this school is a worthy date.”</p>
<p>Rue thinks about it for a moment before shaking her head, “After my experience at the last dance, I’ll still pass.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Maddy huffs, “I’ll be stuck, what, <em>seventh</em> wheeling?” She rolls her eyes for dramatic effect, “Kat and Ethan, Cassie and Aaron, Lexi and.. what’s his name?”</p>
<p>“Mike,” Kat offers quickly.</p>
<p>
  <em>Mike? Who the fuck is Mike?</em>
</p>
<p>Rue chokes on her water slightly, “Lexi has a date?”</p>
<p>
  <em>Why do I care?</em>
</p>
<p>Kat nods, offering a sympathetic smile. Rue doesn’t understand why she looks so sorry for her.</p>
<p>“I know, right?” Maddy comments before turning to Kat, “I guess neither of us are winning that bet.”</p>
<p>Kat’s eyes go wide and she elbows Maddy, hard.</p>
<p>“What bet?” Rue asks.</p>
<p>Maddy laughs, “Kat and I made this bet like, three years ago, trying to guess how long it would take for you and Lexi to get togeth-”</p>
<p>Kat’s elbow connects with Maddy’s side even harder this time.</p>
<p>“Ow! What the fuck?”</p>
<p>Rue’s brow furrows, “I’m sorry, did you just say when Lexi and I would.. get together?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, bitch. Kat said it would happen by the end of sophomore year but I said it would take until your first Prom. Guess neither of us are cashing in now.”</p>
<p>“Why would you think.. me and.. Lexi?”</p>
<p>“Um, hello, everyone in the entire school can see the way Lexi looks at you. Well, <em>looked </em>at you.”</p>
<p>Kat looks like she’s about to smack her friend in the face, “Maddy, can you read the fucking room? Shut up!”</p>
<p>“God, what is your problem? It’s, like, funny now. Obviously its not happening.”</p>
<p>Rue’s pretty sure everything around her slows down entirely. She barely registers the moment that Kat and Maddy leave the table, offering a quick ‘See you later’.</p>
<p>They’re crazy, right?</p>
<p>The words echo in her mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>Everyone in the entire school can see the way Lexi looks at you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Looked at you.</em>
</p>
<p>What the fuck.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Rue should seriously consider becoming a detective at this point. Like, the whole drug addiction thing might not go over well with the police department, but maybe she could swing being a private investigator.</p>
<p>After thinking about Maddy’s comment the entire way home, Rue has decided to review all of her existing memories to try to find moments that would support the theory that Lexi looks at her a <em>certain way.</em></p>
<p>It’s not as easy as she had hoped. She thinks of winter formal, before everything went to shit. Lexi was there but all Rue can remember is Jules. Classes with Lexi were classes with Jules. Going skating… she just remembers Jules getting weird later that night. The carnival? Jules.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p>
<p>So maybe Rue didn’t pay much attention to Lexi. Maybe Rue hasn’t paid enough attention to her in a long time. Maybe that’s why she has no idea what Maddy is talking about.</p>
<p>Maybe she’s starting to understand why Lexi wants nothing to do with her even more.</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m a shitty friend. And a total asshole.</em>
</p>
<p>Instead, she tries to think about the last memory she has of things being normal with Lexi. If she can find the turning point in their friendship, maybe she can crack the rest of this puzzle. Her mind keeps going back to that stupid, wonderful, dumb practice kiss. Rue kind of enjoyed it, but Lexi seemed off after. They never talked about it again. But then Rue started using and things fell apart anyways, so she never dwelled on it.</p>
<p>
  <em>Interesting.</em>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>The weekend of Prom, Rue stays in with Gia and has a movie marathon. She tries her hardest to stay off social media for whatever reason, telling herself she just doesn’t want to feel left out, but something deep down tells herself that’s a lie.</p>
<p>Gia scrolls through Instagram when Rue is making more popcorn in the kitchen, killing her vibe.</p>
<p>“Does Lexi have a boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“No,” Rue immediately answers, before realizing she really has no idea, “I mean, I don’t know, I don’t think so.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Well her date looks cool,” Gia says nonchalantly, “Lexi looks really pretty.”</p>
<p>Rue sits back down, placing a bowl of popcorn in front of her sister. Gia angles her phone for Rue to see but as much as she does want to see how good Lexi looks, she isn’t in the mood to torture herself. She ignores the screen.</p>
<p>“I’m sure she does.”</p>
<p>After a moment of awkward silence, Gia speaks up again, “She’s still not talking to you?”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>Rue thinks for a moment. <em>Wait a minute.</em></p>
<p>“How did you know she wasn’t talking to me?”</p>
<p>Gia looks like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar, “Lucky guess?”</p>
<p>After Rue shoots her a glare, Gia relents, “She reached out to me to talk. When you were still in rehab.”</p>
<p>“What? Why?”</p>
<p>The younger sister sighs, “Just to talk. You know. About what it was like to see you…”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Rue mumbles, “I mean, did she like, say she wasn’t going to talk to me?”</p>
<p>Gia sighs, “She was really hurt, Rue. For a lot of reasons, I think. Not just because she had to call the paramedics. That just, like, pushed her to stand up for herself for once.”</p>
<p>
  <em>When did her sister get so fucking wise?</em>
</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, you know. For doing that to you. Both of you,” Rue chokes out.</p>
<p>“I know,” Gia answers quietly, “I think Lexi knows too, but, you have to respect her decision and give her space.”</p>
<p>Rue decides she can do that. She owes her that much at least.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>There’s two weeks left of school but the universe isn’t done fucking with Rue. As she sits in class, she zones out for most of the lesson but focuses again when she hears there is a final project. Gross.</p>
<p>“For your final assignment, you will be paired up randomly. You have one week to complete the questions together and return them to me,” her chemistry teacher announces.</p>
<p>The older woman starts rattling off partner names and as Rue starts to see everyone pairing up, she’s suddenly aware of what comes next.</p>
<p>“Rue Bennett and Lexi Howard.”</p>
<p>Hesitantly, she looks over in Lexi’s direction.</p>
<p>If looks could kill, she would be dead.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Being back in Lexi’s house is weird because it feels so comfortable, but at the same time she’s like a stranger here now. The concerned look that appears on Cassie’s face as her and Lexi head upstairs doesn't help calm the nerves either.</p>
<p>As they pull out their books, Rue tries to break the ice.</p>
<p>“So.. how was Prom?”</p>
<p>“Rue…” Lexi warns.</p>
<p>“How's Mike?”</p>
<p>
  <em>Seriously, Rue?</em>
</p>
<p>It’s actually scary. Rue never even thought Lexi was capable of looking this pissed off.</p>
<p>The shorter girl is still standing up with her arms crossed, “I’m not doing this with you. Let’s just get this done. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay, but ca-”</p>
<p>“Rue.”</p>
<p>“Can I please just say one thing? Just like, one thing. Thats it. Please?”</p>
<p>She can see on Lexi’s face that she’s trying pretty hard not to crack. It’s kind of depressing. She decides to keep talking before Lexi puts up a fight again.</p>
<p>“Look, I get it now. I get why you don’t want to talk to me. And that’s okay. I spent so many years taking you for granted and asking you to cover for me, without ever being there for you. I really am sorry. And I’m sorry you had to find me after winter formal. I… I can’t imagine what that was like. If I ever had to see you like that, I would be a mess. I’m sorry that my selfishness probably hurt you the most.”</p>
<p>Lexi’s gaze is glued to the floor, so Rue knows she’s trying to hide any emotion. She can’t blame her.</p>
<p>“That’s it,” Rue finishes, “Sorry, that was a little more than one thing I guess.”</p>
<p>Rue moves to pull her notebook out as Lexi slowly sits down.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Lexi says quietly, “For the apology.”</p>
<p>Rue shrugs, “So, um, how do you want to deal with these problems?”</p>
<p>Lexi visibly relaxes, “I guess we should just divide and conquer?”</p>
<p>“Sound good.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>So are Rue and Lexi friends again? Not really. Does Lexi acknowledge her presence again? Yes.</p>
<p>Rue will take what she can get.</p>
<p>It’s summer now though, so she doesn’t see her that much. It’s probably for the best.</p>
<p>July comes around in the blink of an eye, and so does Lexi’s birthday. Rue looks over at the gift she got weeks ago, wondering if its weird to give it to her. It’s not like all is forgiven. But she misses her. A lot. It’s definitely made her wonder about things. Wonder how she’s really felt about Lexi for all of these years.</p>
<p>She pulls her phone out and decides to take a chance.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Happy Birthday!”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I got you something.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Maybe I can drop it off later?”</em>
</p>
<p>Rue’s anxiety goes through the roof as she watches three little dots appear, then disappear, then appear, then disappear again. After a few seconds, she’s sure she won’t get a response.</p>
<p>Until.</p>
<p>
  <em>“You didn’t have to do that.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m actually leaving soon. I can stop by for a minute.”</em>
</p>
<p>Maybe Rue is back in the game. There’s a knock on her front door ten minutes later.</p>
<p>Rue swings the door open, “Hey.” Her filter must fail her because she finds herself continuing to talk after looking Lexi up and down, “You look, uh, cute, um, nice. You look nice.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Jesus, Bennett. Get your shit together.</em>
</p>
<p>Lexi’s eyes go wide and her face starts to turn red, “Uh, thanks?”</p>
<p>Great. She made it weird. One day she really needs to ask Kat and Maddy what they hell they thought they were picking up on.</p>
<p>Rue clears her throat and quickly holds out her gift, “Uh, here. Sorry. You don’t have to open it now. But, um, Happy Birthday.”</p>
<p>Lexi takes the crudely wrapped package and smiles, “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Any big plans to celebrate?”</p>
<p>“I’m meeting the usual suspects, just to hang out for a bit.”</p>
<p>
  <em>So Cassie, Maddy, Kat, and whichever boyfriend is dragged along.</em>
</p>
<p>“Cool. Have fun,” Rue says casually. Lexi looks kind of guilty, so Rue decides to speak again before getting a pity invite, or worse.</p>
<p>“It’s actually kind of crazy that your birthday is today.”</p>
<p>Lexi looks confused, “Why?”</p>
<p>Rue finds herself fidgeting, “Um, as of today I’ve actually been sober for.. six months.”</p>
<p>Lexi’s eyebrows raise, “Like, lying at your NA meetings sober, or actually sober?”</p>
<p>Okay. Rue deserves that one.</p>
<p>“No, like, actually sober.”</p>
<p>She can’t even believe it herself, honestly.</p>
<p>Lexi’s face softens immediately, “Wow… that’s great, Rue.”</p>
<p>Rue nods, “Yeah, I mean, I know it’s not that long but. I don’t know. Feels different.”</p>
<p>The shorter girl looks at the gift in her hands, then back up at Rue, back to the gift, before meeting Rue’s gaze once again.</p>
<p>“Do you want to come with us?”</p>
<p>Rue didn’t expect that.</p>
<p>“Uh, I mean, do you want me to come with you? Or are you just trying to be nice, becaus-”</p>
<p>“I want you to come,” Lexi says, without a single hesitation.</p>
<p>“Okay. Yeah,” Rue nods.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>So, Rue and Lexi start hanging out again. It’s not like, every day, but it becomes more frequent as the summer goes on. Cassie had affectionately pulled Rue aside the first time they decided to hang out at Lexi’s.</p>
<p>“Hurt her again and I will find someone to fucking kill you,” Cassie mumbled during a rushed hug.</p>
<p>Rue’s pretty sure Lexi heard her because she offered a quick “sorry” as soon as her sister disappeared.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Rue had forgotten about the missing piece to the puzzle that is her and Lexi for awhile, but lately it keeps popping into her mind. Why was Lexi even at her house in the first place to find her after the winter formal? She feels like the answer is the key to everything.</p>
<p>She knows what she hopes the answer is. But she needs to know.</p>
<p>Rue will always love Lexi, she knows that now, but with their senior year starting, she thinks they need to put it all on the table. Wherever that leaves them. And yeah, maybe her therapist says that she should wait a full year, or longer, before trying to manage a relationship. But she’s also in high school. She should get a few months of wiggle room for that.</p>
<p>Plus, she’s getting ahead of herself. For all she knows, maybe Lexi just needed a place to crash that night.</p>
<p>They’re hanging out in Lexi’s room again, as always.</p>
<p>(Old habits die hard.)</p>
<p>Rue’s been staring at the ceiling for at least twenty minutes, trying to muster up the courage to start the conversation.</p>
<p>“Can I ask you something?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Lexi continues to flip through a magazine, clearly unprepared for the subject Rue is about to bring up.</p>
<p>“Why did you come to my house that night?”</p>
<p>Lexi freezes, taking her time to respond. It seems telling that she doesn’t need any clarification about which night Rue’s referencing, “Does it really matter?”</p>
<p>“It matters to me. I just, I need to know.”</p>
<p>Lexi’s biting her lip, clearly contemplating her response, “Well, I was drunk.”</p>
<p>Rue frowns, “Really? That doesn’t sound like you.”</p>
<p>“Maddy brought Gatorade and Everclear. Remember?”</p>
<p>Honestly, Rue doesn’t. She waits for Lexi to say something else, but she stays quiet.</p>
<p>“Okay, you were drunk, but you had to have a reason. Like, did you need something?”</p>
<p>“No,” Lexi mumbles.</p>
<p>Rue feels bad that she can’t let it go. But she really, really does need to know.</p>
<p>“Did you need to… tell me something?”</p>
<p>Lexi flips the magazine closed, “Did Cassie say something to you?”</p>
<p>“What? No. Why?”</p>
<p>“It feels like you’re asking me a question that you already know the answer to.”</p>
<p>Rue knows she’s onto something now.</p>
<p>“Lex, I swear, I don’t. I’ve just thought about it a lot. Trying to figure out why it was you who found me. Like, if I thought you were going to show up, I wouldn’t have…”</p>
<p>“You really want to know? Even if it messes stuff up?”</p>
<p>Rue nods.</p>
<p>Lexi swallows, “I did want to tell you something. It was kind of why I was drunk in the first place.”</p>
<p>Rue can tell by looking at Lexi that this is really hard for her. This might be the most vulnerable she’s ever seen her in their entire lives.</p>
<p>Lexi is picking at her nails, avoiding eye contact at all costs, “I wanted to tell you that I loved you. Like, really loved you. And I was drunk enough to think that even with Jules in the picture, you might still care.”</p>
<p>And just like that, the puzzle is complete. A perfect picture. The key unlocks the door.</p>
<p>Lexi Howard loved Rue Bennett and when she finally had the courage to say something, she found her unconscious and barely breathing. Rue’s heart hurts just thinking about it. But more importantly, Lexi Howard just said she <em>loved </em>her. Past tense. Not good.</p>
<p>“So, like, what about now?” Rue asks.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You said you <em>loved</em> me, like, do you still love me?” Brace yourself, Rue.</p>
<p>Lexi looks like she’s about to cry, “I think I always will," she whispers, finally looking up, “That’s pathetic, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Rue doesn’t overthink it for once. She steps forward, takes Lexi’s face in her hands, and kisses her like the world is ending and they’ve only got one more minute left.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Senior year starts. Rue meant it when she said she never thought she would make it this far, so it's kind of surreal. Walking in with Lexi seems like destiny though. If pre-school Rue had only known.</p>
<p>But then again she thinks in some ways, somehow, she kind of did.</p>
<p>“So, Howard, what’s your stance on PDA at school?”</p>
<p>Lexi laughs, “I’m not making out with you right now.”</p>
<p>“What about like, hand holding?” Rue tries.</p>
<p>“We’re taking things slow, remember?”</p>
<p>Rue pouts at the shorter girl.</p>
<p>“Your recovery is important. I’m not going anywhere,” Lexi says with a smile.</p>
<p>“I know. It’s just hard since, you know, I love you too and all.”</p>
<p>Lexi blushes and takes a step towards Rue. She’s moving closer and closer.</p>
<p>“I’m still not making out with you right now,” she whispers.</p>
<p>They both laugh. Lexi grabs Rue’s arm and leads her to class.</p>
<p>Rue feels hopeful for the first time in years.</p>
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